Saints Valentine—in Latin: saint Valentinus—is such an important saint that he gets his own day of celebration; and what better day to celebrate romance than with the frigid, freezing cold of February the 14th. And what goes better with chattering teeth and goose bumped skin than little chocolate shaped hearts, stuffed bears the size of sex dolls (Hmmm, sex Plushies?), and blowing 200 dollars on one meal…nothing. How do you say bullshit in Latin? Nobody really knows who the hell this a-hole St. Valentine is, or why the f-word he is so hell bent on shafting millions of happy couples everywhere into forking over money left and right for crap a 3rd grader wouldn’t want. That crazy stuffed sex doll bear would scare the piss out of a kid. (Ladies why the hell do you want one of those things?) And jewelry; it might look nice underneath a candlelit dinner, but wait until you walk outside and it freezes to your collar bone.
Regardless if this shmuck Valentine is remembered for ruined nights, failed plans, and stuffed sex bears, it is still a time where couples want to get together, throw 20 dollar bills at each other like it’s candy, buy shiny, sparkling crap for one another, cram chocolate caramel chocking hazards down each others throats, and maybe, just maybe, get it on. Some people like to think that Valentine’s Day is a for sure thing when going “all the way” or trying out that “special move,” but it isn’t. Just because there are the select few—crafty bastards—that can pull off this night with no problems or hiccups doesn’t mean that you will. (You wont.) This is a template to hold to your own ill prepared Valentine’s Day plans so you don’t totally wreck your relationship and have to take home Dominatrix Teddy. These are the 5 things not to do on Valentine’s Day.
1. Don't be Cheap
Don’t think that a dumb card that says “Love You” but mispronounced to say “Wuv U,” will make your girlfriend or boyfriend the happiest idiot on the planet. It’s going to be a long night if that is all you can come up with. Your date has probably built the most magnificent life-sized, papier-mâché depiction of you and them, with one of you down on your knees holding out a box with a little candy that says, “Wuv U.” If that’s the case, then you just got served.
2. Don’t answer the phone
Don’t answer the phone while on a date. This doesn’t just apply to Valentine’s Day, but any date for that matter. And when you look your date up and down grimacing, and tell the person on the other line that “they’re alright I guess” assuming “they” have no idea who or what you are referring to, just remember: you’re an idiot. Go put your head under a tire or something. (Don’t do that.)
3. Don't involve your friends on the date
If you think Valentine's Day would be a whole lot more exciting if you brought your friends along, then you are in for a long, or short night (depends on how tolerant your partner is). You had better take Teddy home right away. They aren’t going to think it’s funny that Steve can burp the alphabet, or that Marybeth thinks that Kim Kardashian is a slut. Friends have no business being involved on this day of romance. Now, if Marybeth is going to make an appearance in the boudoir later on, then I guess you will have to put up with her.
4. Don't Facebook
Don’t assume that just because your date is making eye contact with you and actually talking to you that the two of you are now in a relationship. So internally battling with yourself at the dinner table regarding whether or not you should update your Facebook status to “In a Relationship” should be a “no brainer.”
5. Don't get belligerent drunk
Deciding to jolt the night off right with multiple varieties of alcoholic drinks isn’t the smartest approach for acquiring that “oh yeah” intimate moment later on. If your date, girlfriend, or boyfriend has to feed you glass of water after glass of water to keep your head from falling into your shrimp bisque soup, then you probably aint getting any—besides crustaceans up your nose. And if falling out of chairs and taxies won’t turn your date on, then throwing up that medley of madness brewing in your stomach isn’t the wisest of decisions either.
Who knows why we all foolishly celebrate Valentine’s Day without any regard for the end of all ramifications: breakups. Who knows why we let this supposed saint ruin our relationships. Who knows why we even celebrate this bizarre holiday. The fact of the matter is: we just do. This holiday is here to stay, so we just have to learn how to cope with being alone, or getting slapped, or getting drunk, or chocking on heart shaped candy, or molesting a life-sized stuffed animal, or breaking up on Valentine’s Day.
It is set in stone; many people will fail at this attempt of “making magic happen” with their girlfriends or boyfriends or new dates (especially if the phrase “making magic happen” abundantly appears in your vocabulary). I’m just trying to ease you of that trouble and give some pointers on how to behave on this magical evening. Abide by some of these simple rules and maybe, just maybe, it won’t ruin your relationship. Oh, and you might seal the deal—possibly. Happy waste of holiday allotment—enjoy folks.
