Great, It's Valentine's Day

Saints Valentine—in Latin: saint Valentinus—is such an important saint that he gets his own day of celebration; and what better day to celebrate romance than with the frigid, freezing cold of February the 14^th. And what goes better with chattering teeth and goose bumped skin than little chocolate shaped hearts, stuffed bears the size of sex dolls (Hmmm, sex Plushies?), and blowing 200 dollars on one meal…nothing. How do you say bullshit in Latin? Nobody really knows who the hell this a-hole St. Valentine is, or why the f-word he is so hell bent on shafting millions of happy couples everywhere into forking over money left and right for crap a 3^rd grader wouldn’t want. That crazy stuffed sex doll bear would scare the piss out of a kid. (Ladies why the hell do you want one of those things?) And jewelry; it might look nice underneath a candlelit dinner, but wait until you walk outside and it freezes to your collar bone.

Regardless if this shmuck Valentine is remembered for ruined nights, failed plans, and stuffed sex bears, it is still a time where couples want to get together, throw 20 dollar bills at each other like it’s candy, buy shiny, sparkling crap for one another, cram chocolate caramel chocking hazards down each others throats, and maybe, just maybe, get it on. Some people like to think that Valentine’s Day is a for sure thing when going “all the way” or trying out that “special move,” but it isn’t. Just because there are the select few—crafty bastards—that can pull off this night with no problems or hiccups doesn’t mean that you will. (You wont.) This is a template to hold to your own ill prepared Valentine’s Day plans so you don’t totally wreck your relationship and have to take home Dominatrix Teddy. These are the 5 things not to do on Valentine’s Day.

1. Don't be Cheap

            Don’t think that a dumb card that says “Love You” but mispronounced to say “Wuv U,” will make your girlfriend or boyfriend the happiest idiot on the planet. It’s going to be a long night if that is all you can come up with. Your date has probably built the most magnificent life-sized, papier-mâché depiction of you and them, with one of you down on your knees holding out a box with a little candy that says, “Wuv U.” If that’s the case, then you just got served.

 2. Don’t answer the phone

            Don’t answer the phone while on a date. This doesn’t just apply to Valentine’s Day, but any date for that matter. And when you look your date up and down grimacing, and tell the person on the other line that “they’re alright I guess” assuming “they” have no idea who or what you are referring to, just remember: you’re an idiot. Go put your head under a tire or something. (Don’t do that.)

3. Don't involve your friends on the date      

            If you think Valentine's Day would be a whole lot more exciting if you brought your friends along, then you are in for a long, or short night (depends on how tolerant your partner is). You had better take Teddy home right away. They aren’t going to think it’s funny that Steve can burp the alphabet, or that Marybeth thinks that Kim Kardashian is a slut.  Friends have no business being involved on this day of romance. Now, if Marybeth is going to make an appearance in the boudoir later on, then I guess you will have to put up with her.

4. Don't Facebook

            Don’t assume that just because your date is making eye contact with you and actually talking to you that the two of you are now in a relationship. So internally battling with yourself at the dinner table regarding whether or not you should update your Facebook status to “In a Relationship” should be a “no brainer.”

 5. Don't get belligerent drunk

            Deciding to jolt the night off right with multiple varieties of alcoholic drinks isn’t the smartest approach for acquiring that “oh yeah” intimate moment later on. If your date, girlfriend, or boyfriend has to feed you glass of water after glass of water to keep your head from falling into your shrimp bisque soup, then you probably aint getting any—besides crustaceans up your nose. And if falling out of chairs and taxies won’t turn your date on, then throwing up that medley of madness brewing in your stomach isn’t the wisest of decisions either.

            Who knows why we all foolishly celebrate Valentine’s Day without any regard for the end of all ramifications: breakups. Who knows why we let this supposed saint ruin our relationships. Who knows why we even celebrate this bizarre holiday. The fact of the matter is: we just do. This holiday is here to stay, so we just have to learn how to cope with being alone, or getting slapped, or getting drunk, or chocking on heart shaped candy, or molesting a life-sized stuffed animal, or breaking up on Valentine’s Day.

It is set in stone; many people will fail at this attempt of “making magic happen” with their girlfriends or boyfriends or new dates (especially if the phrase “making magic happen” abundantly appears in your vocabulary). I’m just trying to ease you of that trouble and give some pointers on how to behave on this magical evening. Abide by some of these simple rules and maybe, just maybe, it won’t ruin your relationship. Oh, and you might seal the deal—possibly. Happy waste of holiday allotment—enjoy folks.

The Stuff You Should Not Subject Your Computer To

For many of you, your computer is your life. It contains all the key elements to sustain a healthy and happy existence. For many college students, it is their calendar, datebook, access to classes and homework, and entertainment. It is a student’s lifeline against a chaotic world. It breaches countries and seas, mountains and desserts, to bring international access to your fingertips. Many students realize this lifeline amenity and they cherish it accordingly. But, there are the select few people who take the computer/man relationship to the next level. These are 5 things one should not overdue when using a computer, so as to maximize health, prosperity, and sanity.

1. Don't blow a gasket

Do not spend more than one hour a day perusing Internet porn. (Big shocker that this is the first one.) We all have our needs, but when you overdue this little number you drastically risk mental and physical health. (We’re talking tendonitis and carpel tunnel…yeah, serious stuff!) You are going to hurt yourself. But most likely you will kill your computer. Just like in the real world there are sexually transmitted diseases, the Internet world possesses severe threats as well. Don’t give your computer AIDS.

2. Don't dropkick your computer

From time to time, everyone has gotten the urge to head-butt their computer screen when those stupid little boxes pop up talking some incongruous gibberish about administrative error, and total annihilation of mankind and what not. But that is no reason to chuck the poor thing from your window. Just hit “continue,” or “allow,” or “wipe clean” when the little box pops up. I’m sure it won’t have any negative effects on the wellness of your computer. (See operators manual before taking any advice from above.)

3. Don't be a fool

Chat rooms are the unholiest of… they’re just bad okay. There is no sanctity among their users. Chances are, if you think you are talking to a girl—then you are definitely talking to a man. If you get fooled into going on a blind date with dTf_sexypants then it’s your own damn fault. You are really just setting yourself up with a 300-pound, bald, man-child with an erection. Things will not work out between the two of you.

4. Don't go "hard" on your computer

When your computer misbehaves, don’t try and make an example out of your printer to assert your dominance over the machines in your house. The printer takes orders from the computer; the computer takes orders from you. There is a chain of command: don’t break it by punishing the printer. He did nothing wrong.

5. Don't let your computer become a hipster

When your computer starts to run slow—which will happen due to old age—don’t funnel coffee into the USB port. This will only be a temporary fix. And once your computer has tasted the heavenly liquid of roasted Columbian beans, it will demand more and more every day—only functioning with caffeine coercing through its circuit board. It will start wearing skinny jeans, striped tank tops, scarves and fedoras. It will frequent crummy dive bars and start hanging out in coffee shops, saying trendy words like, “skip-scat,” or “flipity-flop,” and grow a mustache and reject mainstream culture. You have created a monster!

Your computer is your lifeline in a technology driven world. (Soon the machines will take rise.) It provides an essential service required of every student. This is a world where 80-year-old professors who walk slower than a sloth have Facebook and Twitter. So stay up to date and keep your mind and computer healthy.

When these general computer etiquettes and rules are maintained and respected appropriately, the user of the computer will adapt nicely with this fast paced technological world of ours. So next time you are on eBay perusing the categories, killing time, don’t buy 10,000 Bennie Babies for 39 cents: this is not a steal, it is insane. Or if you find yourself contemplating buying those—natural falice enhancements or booby enlargers, remember: they don’t work. You will probably grow a third nipple or something—men, possibly a third testicle. (Doesn’t sound too bad if I don’t say so myself.)

Health, body, and mind can ultimately be cleansed with the numerous amenities a computer can possess. There are an enumerable amount of random things people can do on one of these damn things, so don’t overdue it by wrecking your computer and sanity. Use it well, and maintain a smart and healthy relationship with your computer. (It could save your life when the machines take over.)

The College Student’s A B C’s

Warning: this is not for children

 

A is for Abstinence… No it’s not, it is for Absences. What the hell is mandatory attendance and who the hell is that in your bed? Uh-oh, that’s not your girlfriend. Should have stuck with abstinence.

B is for Behavioral problems. “What’s that, you got a problem with me bro? Seriously bro, do you have beef?”

C is for Cramming: brought to you by caffeine and the words YOU’RE and FUCKED.

D is for Degree. As in, “Yeah, Mom and Dad…I won’t be getting my degree in the time period we discussed. Send more money.”

E is for Energy, or better yet, a lack there of. What the fuck is effort? I don’t have the time or ENERGY for that shit. 

F is for Freshman 15. As in, “Wow, they got fat as shit!”

G is for Grammar: learn it Goddammit!

 

H is for Humor, because if you don’t have it, then that 50,000-dollar student loan, 1.6 GPA, and no money will start to really piss you off.

I is for Intelligence:  If you had any, you wouldn’t be taking classes, you would be developing aps for IPods, and shark lasers.

J is for Jury duty: 25 bucks a day, no class, and a free lunch. Shit, sounds good to me. Who do I have to kill?

K is for Killing people with kindness, that or a baseball bat (just kidding).

L is for Legal: if “i” and “l” are in front of it, then don’t do it. (At least not in front of a cop.)

M is for your Morbid obsession for dead people. (What? No, just me.)

N is for Nose, as in, get your nose out of the teacher’s ass.

O is for “Oh shit! When did the teacher assign that shit? Did you know this shit was due? Ah, fuck that shit! “

P is for Political Science: this degree means nothing. Do we really need anymore TV show pundits talking shit about liberals on Fox News? Democrats have it bad enough on account of them being giant pussies and all.

Q is for Questioning your sanity when everyone else around you is not having sex with dead people.

R is for Roommates: Fuck you Steve! Quit bitching about all the hookers and beer.

S is for Super drunk, or Sex, or SLUTS: the best invention since penicillin.

T is for sTd Test. You might want to take one of these after getting super drunk and having sex with that slut. You might need some penicillin too.

U is for Ulcers—due to your diet of beer, pizza, and two-week-old Chinese food amassed with textbooks and overdue term papers.

V is for Virginity. College was invented to take this from you. You won’t like it, and you will regret it, but it sure beats church camp.

W is for Wal-Mart. Yeah you need to take a shower every time you leave, but all the stuff you need is in one place at one convenient low price. Shit I’ll wrestle a midget or two for first dibs on a five-dollar coffee maker any day.

X is for Xanax. Yes, you will need a prescription for this by the time you graduate.

Y is for… whY the fuck are you still reading this. I figured you would have said, “Fuck this shit” after all the dead people jokes.

Z is for Zebra. Ok, I really don’t know any words that start with Z and pertain to college, and I got kind of lazy here at the end. Oh, I know… Z is for Billy Zane: whatever happened to that guy—does anybody know? Okay, that’s all I got I guess. Ooh, or Zelda. Ok, you got to work with me here: it’s either Zelda, Zebras or Billy Zane. You take your pick. 

Surprised, Drunk, and Angry

Well people, you thought the time would never come. You spent Saturday morning after Saturday morning filling your kidneys with funneled beer and whiskey, and crammed your stomachs with bratwursts, cheeseburgers and pre-made jello-shots. You got the certifiable “OK” from your school, local law enforcement, and society to belt obscenities at everyone who was not wearing your school colors (and yes, flipping off little kids not wearing your colors was in your repertoire all season long, no matter what Smokey The Bear said). Let’s face it, tailgating season can be rough; but what is even rougher is that month long period of waiting from the last game of the season to the upcoming bowl game. That month long period without football is harsh—it’s like weaning a crack baby off his mother’s heroin saturated breast milk (sorry for that colorful and tasteless metaphor…or simile…what the fuck ever).

But when that day comes, and that moment of elation is upon you, you jump right back into those beer saturated britches and immerse yourself in one more day of college football debauchery. So you will spend the entire day draining your body of essential fluids, replace them with liquids that could have quite possibly been used in the mummification of the pharaohs, and get so drunk that at times you have to go to the bathroom and check to make sure you are still in control of your bowel movements.

When the game comes, you will be very intoxicated, excited, and ready to riot if your team loses in whatever bowl game they came to. Do not worry, because you will lose. Instead of preparing for this moment of triumph all month long, you should have been practicing your angry face, and learned how to cope with devastation. Because your team has lost now, and you have no way to express your drunken emotions besides one drunken outburst after another. These are the 5 things a sad, disappointed, belligerent, drunken fan should not do when his college football team loses their bowl game.

1. Don’t take it out on your body

Running home to cry in your pillow and watch Dirty Dancing will not solve any of your problems, Steve! Also, loading up on the painkillers you got when you had your wisdom teeth removed, to dull that tremendous amount of sorrow in your heart, will not replace the pain. You will be so intoxicated that you will dress your dog in your oldest pair of jeans (JNCOs) and biggest jersey (Ecko)—that for some reason you even own—and walk that 15 pound animal up and down the street chanting your school’s fight song (and some other profane things about cats and stuff).

2. Don’t bring your temper to the bar

If you think you are pissed off now, wait until you immerse yourself in a sea of indignant, drunken fans. Even though you all were probably rooting for the same team, when you get around each other and the sent of despair hangs from every drunk and drooling face, fights will be inevitable.

“Yeah, well I’m a bigger fan than you are!” says Jackass #1

“Fuck that. I’m a bigger fan!” says Jackass #2

“Fuck that…And fuck you!” shouts Jackass #1

Case in point: one pissed off idiot is okay, and manageable. Two on the other hand is dangerous and confusing. Avoid being one of those D-bags that gets into a bar fight over a game.

3. Don’t piss on a cop car

Thinking that the troubling loss that looms over your conscience is someone else’s fault, besides the football players, is never a good thing to brood on. Now thinking that it is the cops’ fault is just incongruous. Doing things to seek revenge will land you in cuffs, facedown on concrete with a knee shoved in your back. Then you will be hauled to the drunk-tank where you will be met with a cell full of your peers who also thought that the football game loss was to the hands of the police department. So, naturally you and the other incarcerated meatheads will then rashly point the blame on each other .

“Yeah well I’m a bigger fan than you are!” says Drunken Inmate #1

“Fuck that. I’m a bigger fan!” says Drunken Inmate #2

“Fuck that… And fuck you!” shouts Drunken Inmate #1

See what I mean: this malignant mindset will get you nowhere.

4. Do not riot and loot

I know this seems like the most logical thing to do after a debilitating loss, but this is what separates Americans from Europeans and South Americans. We do not turn into football hooligans that tear cities apart. We turn into dickheads that pick fights with each other. Stay in your own league.

5. Do not renovate your apartment or bedroom

Coming home drunk is bad enough. You have to avoid making a mess in the kitchen, in the bathroom, and in your bed. But coming home drunk and pissed off is never a good combination. So rearranging your room in a temper-tantrum-fit-of-rage isn’t going to look any better the next day with a sober outlook. Yes, that is a broken window. Yes, that is your mattress bed on the front lawn. How you got it out there, only your drunken side will know. Getting drunk on liquor to find out what you did the night before isn’t a good idea either. You are in the grieving period—start out with light beer.

Losing a football game is terrible, but it’s not the end of the world. There is always “next year” like every asshole that knows two things about football will say. But it is true; there is next year. From the words of a great man, Abraham Lincoln: “Mother fucker, we just lost? Fuck that, I don’t lose—I’m the fucking President!” Take his advice; he was a smart man—and honest. So next year, instead of waiting that long month for the bowl game your team narrowly got into, learn how to cope with bad shit happening to you. Like yoga, or meditating, or exercising, or masturbate…never mind…exercising (yes, that’s more appropriate). Because let’s face it, there is nothing worse than a surprised angry drunk.

Top Five Fails of The Year: Embarrassing things to avoid

 

Embarrassing yourself will happen. We have all done it, so deal with it. Some awkward fails can be utterly humiliating, or they can be something where you just have to shrug your shoulders and laugh off. These are the top five fails of the year, so far, that one should try to avoid. Some are pretty embarrassing, and if they happen to you, it will make you want to drop out of school, move to Utah, and become a Capuchin monk. Others aren’t nearly as bad, but are still something you might want to avoid if you don't want to walk around pissed off all day.

1. Seat malfunction
Remember when you came into class 20 minutes late, quietly crept in, but noisily shuffled past desks, feet, and chairs, found a seat in the corner, hurriedly sat down in it, then broke through the seat and landed on your ass bone? Yeah, so does everyone in your class. Show up on time next class period and maybe you won’t get the dysfunctional seat in the corner.

2. Obliviousness
Teachers love students who are active in classroom discussion—many encourage it. So with that in mind, don’t attempt at tackling their next question if you have no idea what they were even talking about. "No, we were talking about the debt ceiling crisis, NOT Justin Bieber." Chances are, you will sound crazy, or completely out of it. People will laugh—you will cry: uncontrollably.

3. Don’t be the smelly kid
This goes back to grade school. So change your clothes every once in a while, do your laundry, put Odor Eaters stuff in your shoes, and for god sakes, wash yourself. Don’t make the professors have to call your parents.

4.  Arguing with the crazy religious people
Freedom of speech is great, and what better place to voice your opinion than on campus in a very busy, heavily trafficking area. But next time you have a temper tantrum because the crazy guy waving a “You’re all are going to hell” sign isn’t listening to a word you are saying, just stop, take a breather, calm down, and walk away. Nobody wants to look crazier than these guys, but they have a right to be there, so let them embarrass themselves with their own ignorance. They will understand it one of these days. (If you are not content with my assessment, then flipping them off and telling them you are Mormon is okay.)

5. Arguing with your professors
Don’t… they have degrees, and you don’t. There is nothing more awkward than to be a student in a classroom when your teacher and fellow student go at it. Now that doesn’t mean you can’t correct them or make suggestions when they might be wrong or making an ass of themselves, just not in that “You are wrong and an asshole” tone of voice that so many students inherently possess.

Accidents and shit happens, and chances are you might do something to embarrass yourself: like when you stepped in that dog turd right before you came to class and everyone knew the smell was radiating from your foot but you kept denying it anyway; or you crapped your pants in class—either or. Just remember—yes, everyone will laugh, but they will probably forget about it five minutes latter. That, or go home and post it on Facebook. So, stay calm, laugh it off, and don’t get upset. It’s not like you will be on Tosh.o or anything.