Well people, you thought the time would never come. You spent Saturday morning after Saturday morning filling your kidneys with funneled beer and whiskey, and crammed your stomachs with bratwursts, cheeseburgers and pre-made jello-shots. You got the certifiable “OK” from your school, local law enforcement, and society to belt obscenities at everyone who was not wearing your school colors (and yes, flipping off little kids not wearing your colors was in your repertoire all season long, no matter what Smokey The Bear said). Let’s face it, tailgating season can be rough; but what is even rougher is that month long period of waiting from the last game of the season to the upcoming bowl game. That month long period without football is harsh—it’s like weaning a crack baby off his mother’s heroin saturated breast milk (sorry for that colorful and tasteless metaphor…or simile…what the fuck ever).
But when that day comes, and that moment of elation is upon you, you jump right back into those beer saturated britches and immerse yourself in one more day of college football debauchery. So you will spend the entire day draining your body of essential fluids, replace them with liquids that could have quite possibly been used in the mummification of the pharaohs, and get so drunk that at times you have to go to the bathroom and check to make sure you are still in control of your bowel movements.
When the game comes, you will be very intoxicated, excited, and ready to riot if your team loses in whatever bowl game they came to. Do not worry, because you will lose. Instead of preparing for this moment of triumph all month long, you should have been practicing your angry face, and learned how to cope with devastation. Because your team has lost now, and you have no way to express your drunken emotions besides one drunken outburst after another. These are the 5 things a sad, disappointed, belligerent, drunken fan should not do when his college football team loses their bowl game.
1. Don’t take it out on your body
Running home to cry in your pillow and watch Dirty Dancing will not solve any of your problems, Steve! Also, loading up on the painkillers you got when you had your wisdom teeth removed, to dull that tremendous amount of sorrow in your heart, will not replace the pain. You will be so intoxicated that you will dress your dog in your oldest pair of jeans (JNCOs) and biggest jersey (Ecko)—that for some reason you even own—and walk that 15 pound animal up and down the street chanting your school’s fight song (and some other profane things about cats and stuff).
2. Don’t bring your temper to the bar
If you think you are pissed off now, wait until you immerse yourself in a sea of indignant, drunken fans. Even though you all were probably rooting for the same team, when you get around each other and the sent of despair hangs from every drunk and drooling face, fights will be inevitable.
“Yeah, well I’m a bigger fan than you are!” says Jackass #1
“Fuck that. I’m a bigger fan!” says Jackass #2
“Fuck that…And fuck you!” shouts Jackass #1
Case in point: one pissed off idiot is okay, and manageable. Two on the other hand is dangerous and confusing. Avoid being one of those D-bags that gets into a bar fight over a game.
3. Don’t piss on a cop car
Thinking that the troubling loss that looms over your conscience is someone else’s fault, besides the football players, is never a good thing to brood on. Now thinking that it is the cops’ fault is just incongruous. Doing things to seek revenge will land you in cuffs, facedown on concrete with a knee shoved in your back. Then you will be hauled to the drunk-tank where you will be met with a cell full of your peers who also thought that the football game loss was to the hands of the police department. So, naturally you and the other incarcerated meatheads will then rashly point the blame on each other .
“Yeah well I’m a bigger fan than you are!” says Drunken Inmate #1
“Fuck that. I’m a bigger fan!” says Drunken Inmate #2
“Fuck that… And fuck you!” shouts Drunken Inmate #1
See what I mean: this malignant mindset will get you nowhere.
4. Do not riot and loot
I know this seems like the most logical thing to do after a debilitating loss, but this is what separates Americans from Europeans and South Americans. We do not turn into football hooligans that tear cities apart. We turn into dickheads that pick fights with each other. Stay in your own league.
5. Do not renovate your apartment or bedroom
Coming home drunk is bad enough. You have to avoid making a mess in the kitchen, in the bathroom, and in your bed. But coming home drunk and pissed off is never a good combination. So rearranging your room in a temper-tantrum-fit-of-rage isn’t going to look any better the next day with a sober outlook. Yes, that is a broken window. Yes, that is your mattress bed on the front lawn. How you got it out there, only your drunken side will know. Getting drunk on liquor to find out what you did the night before isn’t a good idea either. You are in the grieving period—start out with light beer.
Losing a football game is terrible, but it’s not the end of the world. There is always “next year” like every asshole that knows two things about football will say. But it is true; there is next year. From the words of a great man, Abraham Lincoln: “Mother fucker, we just lost? Fuck that, I don’t lose—I’m the fucking President!” Take his advice; he was a smart man—and honest. So next year, instead of waiting that long month for the bowl game your team narrowly got into, learn how to cope with bad shit happening to you. Like yoga, or meditating, or exercising, or masturbate…never mind…exercising (yes, that’s more appropriate). Because let’s face it, there is nothing worse than a surprised angry drunk.
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