Warning: this is not for children
A is for Abstinence… No it’s not, it is for Absences. What the hell is mandatory attendance and who the hell is that in your bed? Uh-oh, that’s not your girlfriend. Should have stuck with abstinence.
B is for Behavioral problems. “What’s that, you got a problem with me bro? Seriously bro, do you have beef?”
C is for Cramming: brought to you by caffeine and the words YOU’RE and FUCKED.
D is for Degree. As in, “Yeah, Mom and Dad…I won’t be getting my degree in the time period we discussed. Send more money.”
E is for Energy, or better yet, a lack there of. What the fuck is effort? I don’t have the time or ENERGY for that shit.
F is for Freshman 15. As in, “Wow, they got fat as shit!”
G is for Grammar: learn it Goddammit!
H is for Humor, because if you don’t have it, then that 50,000-dollar student loan, 1.6 GPA, and no money will start to really piss you off.
I is for Intelligence: If you had any, you wouldn’t be taking classes, you would be developing aps for IPods, and shark lasers.
J is for Jury duty: 25 bucks a day, no class, and a free lunch. Shit, sounds good to me. Who do I have to kill?
K is for Killing people with kindness, that or a baseball bat (just kidding).
L is for Legal: if “i” and “l” are in front of it, then don’t do it. (At least not in front of a cop.)
M is for your Morbid obsession for dead people. (What? No, just me.)
N is for Nose, as in, get your nose out of the teacher’s ass.
O is for “Oh shit! When did the teacher assign that shit? Did you know this shit was due? Ah, fuck that shit! “
P is for Political Science: this degree means nothing. Do we really need anymore TV show pundits talking shit about liberals on Fox News? Democrats have it bad enough on account of them being giant pussies and all.
Q is for Questioning your sanity when everyone else around you is not having sex with dead people.
R is for Roommates: Fuck you Steve! Quit bitching about all the hookers and beer.
S is for Super drunk, or Sex, or SLUTS: the best invention since penicillin.
T is for sTd Test. You might want to take one of these after getting super drunk and having sex with that slut. You might need some penicillin too.
U is for Ulcers—due to your diet of beer, pizza, and two-week-old Chinese food amassed with textbooks and overdue term papers.
V is for Virginity. College was invented to take this from you. You won’t like it, and you will regret it, but it sure beats church camp.
W is for Wal-Mart. Yeah you need to take a shower every time you leave, but all the stuff you need is in one place at one convenient low price. Shit I’ll wrestle a midget or two for first dibs on a five-dollar coffee maker any day.
X is for Xanax. Yes, you will need a prescription for this by the time you graduate.
Y is for… whY the fuck are you still reading this. I figured you would have said, “Fuck this shit” after all the dead people jokes.
Z is for Zebra. Ok, I really don’t know any words that start with Z and pertain to college, and I got kind of lazy here at the end. Oh, I know… Z is for Billy Zane: whatever happened to that guy—does anybody know? Okay, that’s all I got I guess. Ooh, or Zelda. Ok, you got to work with me here: it’s either Zelda, Zebras or Billy Zane. You take your pick.
zelda
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